Tag: relationships

Posted on in Parenting

Managing the “After-School Restraint Collapse”

We know it is real and we may not be able to avoid it completely, but we can definitely minimize the intensity.

My son’s first day went as dreamily as I could hope. Great report from both teacher and student, and he had so much to say on the way home. I was not prepared, however, for the behavior I would be getting once we got home. While he was happy and excited, it felt as if he had completely turned his ears off and forgotten what his life was like. Every little task, even though routine, became an issue; I consistently had to repeat myself, even to the point of screaming, and every request was met with push-back. I am talking, borderline throwing himself on the ground in a tantrum I had actually never seen from him before, but definitely do see from my current toddler. My husband and I looked at one another that first day, trying to remain patient and compassionate, but rather flabbergasted. “This cannot be how it is going to be from now on,” I thought to myself multiple times as I fought tears. We were going to have less time together now, and instead the time we did have, I did not recognize the child in front of me.

Naturally, I went to friends with kids a year or two older just to discuss how it went for their children. The second I mentioned the after-school meltdown, each person either sighed with relief, laughed, or gasped in a clear sign of camaraderie. “My child STILL does this when a school year starts, for about the first month,” one friend shared, indicating that for her, bringing the kids home and letting them watch a show for the first 15 minutes often helped them decompress before homework time, etc. Other parents shared how their first go-to was a snack and water (sometimes even in the car if they had errands to run), or snack and homework together right in the first half hour and then decompressing time before the meltdown might hit. This got me thinking about what might work best for us to minimize the after-school crash. I get it, as adults, I know many people by 2pm who are grabbing a caffeine fix or scheduling their workouts around that time as a “pick-me-up,” so I can very much understand our kids needing some kind of outlet or boost, particularly as they adjust to a new schedule. I decided to do some research on this “after school crash/meltdown” and found various articles from“Afterschool Restraint Collapse,” (Today’s Parent, https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/school-age/after-school-restraint-collapse-is-a-real-thing-heres-how-to-deal-with-it/) to insight from TheMomPsychologists on Instagram, offering explanations and tips for why this happens and best practices to try to cope. 

The following day I immediately implemented the snack and water, even picking up a special snack for my son to eat in the car, while we ran a handful of errands. I told myself that after that day, I would try to enforce a “non-busy” after-school routine until we got a grasp on how to best help him decompress and get through the remainder of the day. While I am thrilled to know how well-behaved he is in school, it definitely is a challenge to try to keep it together all day, and then naturally, when they return to their home environments, they collapse. The entire following week, I committed to a strict schedule of various practices to determine which best fit to minimizing the collapse. This week did throw some unexpected plans that shifted my “control agents,” but I felt it was helpful to also see how he adapted.

Monday – after school snack of “Ants on a Log” (celery with peanut butter and raisins), and a slice of homemade pumpkin bread from the night before. I set up a sensory bin on the table for him to play with while he snacked, so that he could unwind, but still be at the table for if we needed to do homework. I added in a basement game for him to play with my husband just because I wound up with a doctor’s appointment and have noticed that on days my husband is off, my son loves to play physical games with him that he does not necessarily play with me. Behavior was pretty great, minus some issues sharing dad with his sister (which is normal given my husband’s schedule).

Tuesday – after school snack of Apple Nachos (sliced apples drizzled with vanilla greek yogurt and nutella; topped with coconut flakes and chopped nuts). I set up mini stations with magnatiles one one side (we have a ton of additions to our sets thanks to many family members, so there are so many options for this type of play), an indoor bean bag toss, and playdough. 

Wednesday – Snack: Ants on a log – celery topped with ranch and goldfish; celery topped with nutella, chopped nuts, coconut flakes; celery topped with peanut butter, raisins, and some mini m&ms. My husband happened to be off, so we actually made a family activity as our decompressing time and played Monopoly Junior for an hour. This really had him in great spirits, so I did allow him to cash in usage of his points (Garmin watch that we assign chores to, etc.) to use his tablet to play a game. 

Thursday – Snack:Trail Mix; we were on the go to make his hair cut at the barbershop for picture day, so I had to get creative. I still wanted him to have a snack that would hold him over until dinner and refuel him, so I used some plain cereal, raisins, unsalted pistachios, and some mini m&ms for added fun.. For our activity, we parked a few blocks away from the Barbershop and “raced” there so that he was ready to just sit for the shape up. At home, I had coloring work waiting just because I feel he has gravitated away from it, but it was always a soothing activity for him. I had his Back to School Night, so we were a little off routine, but I wanted to keep it as close to usual right up until I left and our sitter ran bed-time. 

Friday – I decided to mix things up just because my husband was home and I could tell that my son needed some one-on-one mom and son time. I walked over to our favorite bakery/cafe and picked up an herbal iced tea he loves (raspberry hibiscus rose tea) and a special treat of a pistachio brownie. We walked home together, which I don’t know if it was the physical activity or the conversation that really aided in helping him decompress. 

While I recognize that various factors may impact each school day and how the afternoon goes after pick-up, having food and water ready, along with some kind of activity really kept the meltdowns at bay. My son has never been in school for a full day, and while I understand him coming home to his “safe place” and it all falling apart some days, I wanted to find a way to help him through, because as frustrating as it is for us parents, I am sure it is more so for him, unable to understand when his emotions and feelings just totally overload him after a great day in school. I am a huge fan of structure; I love routine, so for us, adding in this afternoon variation that still fits with a routine is perfect. I can see even the weekend, the way the deviation took a little toll and impacted my kids’ behavior, but keeping that afternoon snack and activity time (post-nap for my youngest) still helped us get the rest of the afternoons and evenings back on track. This was especially important to me to try to find a system that worked as we prepare to add in his fall sport in the next week and a half. Hopefully another parent/guardian/friend of someone with kids may find a routine like this helps them, too!

Posted on in Uncategorized

Let’s Hug it Out

The beauty of stepping back…

Sometimes, the world around us can just feel heavy. In our society, I am sure many would agree that we have felt this, but sometimes even within the little worlds we have created for ourselves, it can just feel like so much is working against you, or constantly throwing challenges you feel completely unprepared for; or, perhaps you are prepared and able to handle them, but it has just been so non-stop, that you are just exhausted by it all. While I do not believe in avoidance; in fact, I am someone who likes to face situations head on, with a lot of prayer, consulting with therapists, and in this most recent season of life, enlisting in support of my community, I do at times believe in the value of stepping back. 

Sometimes, when it just feels like so much is on your plate and you are constantly juggling and rolling with every punch that comes your way, especially with small children, I think the best thing can be to simply put everything on a pause. Again, I am not one to shy away from difficult conversations, even with my children, because I do believe in being honest with them, in an age-appropriate way of course, but sometimes, things are better when we take a moment to address it, or note that we are going to circle back to a specific situation, but right now, we are going to take a moment so we can all breathe. In our personal story, without getting into too many specifics, it has been a unique season. There have been moments that definitely felt too heavy to try to break down with our children, but that we have had to. While I am glad for those, because I do believe the transparency will only strengthen our relationships (and I will share at some point some of the beneficial ways we have found and utilized in having difficult conversations with our children about topics like illness, death, etc.) it doesn’t take away from the heavy feeling as a parent in having to have those conversations to begin with. Life is messy; we know this as adults, but having to break down some of that ugly with these little people can be heartbreaking, even if necessary. There is a balance, however, in appropriately addressing and facing issues head on to build resilient and emotionally well-rounded children, and stepping back, whether to process or to find an outlet to allow us to move along. 

Lately, our most favorite way of embracing some of the “not talking it out” is to sit on the floor and hug it out. My kids love Worship music, so they’ll at times ask me to “ask Alexa” to play some of their favorite songs, and then sit ourselves down on the kitchen floor to hug. I feel that being on the ground helps to be more at eye level with my kids so I can look them directly in the eyes and then fully embrace them. Sometimes I do this with both kids at the same time – them taking turns as to who gets to be in the middle, and we will sit there at times for what feels like an hour, shutting out everything around us, and just being in that space together. It does not cancel out when we need to address an issue, but dang, does it make us all feel good for that time to simply put everything else aside, and just feel connected, loved, and safe. I encourage you to try it. Whether you have children or not, in those moments that feel so chaotic, maybe take a step back and find a person you value and love, look that person in the eye, and then simply hug them. Let yourself deeply connect and just be embraced and reminded that among the chaos of it all, you are never alone.

Posted on in Uncategorized

When Parenting Doesn’t Feel Good

How do you manage when everything about them gets under your skin?

REAL talk. What do you do when you start to actually have feelings of dislike for your child? When they have pressed every button and tried every ounce of your patience? If you’ve been a parent for a long time, then you have definitely felt this at some point or another. Especially as our children get older and begin to exert their own free-will and come into their own, we start to see how little control we have (which in reality, we want for our children, because we want them to be self-sufficient grown-ups), but when you are in it, and just trying to get your dang kids in the car to not be late for a play-date THEY wanted, it can be incredibly defeating. When you reach this point, at least for me, every. little. thing that my children do becomes triggering. 

This was my reality the last week and a half. While I know I am not alone, as I have spoken to so many other mom-friends, because PRAISE THE LORD FOR REAL FRIENDSHIPS where we can be raw and honest, it does not make it suck any less. Feeling a twinge of actual dislike for your child is not a good feeling, and if you are like me, it causes you to spiral into the cycle of screaming, followed by overcompensation to make up for the ugly memories you fear you’ve created. Even though logically it makes sense to not love or like every attribute of someone we love, as a mother, it is very difficult to come to terms with this when it is targeted at our children. I mean, we created these little people. We love them more than we love ourselves and it can feel like a giant failure when we start to see them as normal people, rather than the perfect angels we are protecting and living for. The overcompensation, then, just sets you up for failure because you can try to plan the most “perfect” day, and then if it doesn’t live up to the expectation, because, hello, these are children we are dealing with, you set yourself up for the same frustrations you were trying to avoid.

So what do we do? How do we contend with these feelings when we as adults are meant to be the ones to help them cope with big feelings and set the example for them, but we ourselves are so triggered? Through research, various conversations with other parents, and trial and error within my own parenting, I have compiled some tried and true options that can help minimize the urge to give your child a giant noogie, even when he/she might deserve it. 

  1. Breathe. It may sound silly, but taking a moment to remind yourself to breathe can not only reset your system, but simply buy yourself some time to help you calm down. I tell my children when they are worked up, “inhala…exhala…” and I have found that when I myself do this, I can step back a moment and diffuse a situation.
  2. Look at their hands. I noticed this when I would have “cuddle time,” with my oldest. As he would doze off, I found myself just memorizing the different features of his face, taking a mental picture, and I would see his little hands nestled against his face and be brought back to moments of him as an infant. Immediately it made me smile, and I started incorporating this into moments where I was so frustrated with him. It can be hard to see the cute little babies we adore when they are talking back or throwing a tantrum, especially because their faces don’t seem nearly as adorable when they’re hitting a decibel that could shatter glass, but looking at their hands has been truly calming. I am reminded in those moments of how little they are, and while I know this may not last forever, there is something about it with elementary age children and younger, especially because they still (at least for now) will grab my hand out of comfort or just because. 
  3. Walk away. I tell my children that it is okay to have big feelings, but we do not get to leak our hurt all over others. With that said, my oldest even at playdates, when he is upset, will look at me and walk away to take a minute for himself. I have started added this to my own parenting and WHAT. A. DIFFERENCE. I often take a breath, and tell them that I am going to walk away now so I do not lose it. They recognize this is best for all of us, because yes, when mommy loses it, it definitely winds up with most of us crying. I see this even with my own marriage and my favorite friendships that embracing space isn’t something scary when you truly love someone; in fact, it is incredibly healthy, because I think it shows the person that even in the moment of being so heated, you know you will return back when you are ready. 
  4. Grounding techniques. This one I got from one of the remarkable therapists I have had the privilege of working with over the years. This might be a 5-4-3-2-1 (5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste), or a 3-2-1- (using all the senses and going down 3-1 for each). I have found that it temporarily transports me from the moment so my focus is on something completely unrelated and then I can start over once I am in a better head space.
  5. Get physical. Not with your children of course; in fact in general when we are heated, I teach my kids to create a space for themselves so if they are throwing their arms or legs, they aren’t running the risk of harming anyone else. Instead, I mean to just get moving. Change the scenery if you can – move to a different floor, go outside if you can, turn on the music and have a dance party; anything that gets your blood flowing can be extremely beneficial. 

Once you are able to think clearly and the situation is diffused a bit, it is significantly easier to address the situation. I have even found that I am able to pinpoint the trigger and have actual conversations with my kids at levels I know they can understand. We will often, post a heightened situation, sit down on the floor together and discuss what happened and 9 times out of 10, each of us can put some kind of explanation to why we each behaved the way we did, and then apologize for it. It becomes a bonding experience that shows our kids we are growing with them, and really, reminds me as a parent that there is never going to be a linear pattern to my parenting approach. We may have expectations, but if we spend too much time living in what we think our families are supposed to look like, we miss out on actually enjoying them and building core memories that ultimately make us most resilient. I am always going to have those days where I feel like I am failing as a parent because I am human; I am always, I am sure, going to have those painful days where I just feel like my children are the ones in the wrong. I cannot change those facts, BUT, I can choose to give myself grace and to equip myself with strategies that help me build grit as a parent and a human that in turn will benefit each of the people I come in contact with. I urge you to try it. This is your reminder that we are all human. We are all learning. Hopefully in the midst of it all, we can be real with one another and ultimately then  equip our children to do it a step better than we do.

Posted on in Parenting

It’s Good to be BACK

Growth

This has definitely been a long time coming. Over the last 2 years, it has been weighing on me to resume my blogging, in an effort to rebuild community and continue to grow as parent, a wife, and a person. I feel like this is especially critical given the current state of the world; I feel like the need for genuine community has never been more vital. Over the last 2 years in particular, I have spent A LOT of time digging deep, putting the work in to really be the person I believe I am called to be. We can live in fear of what others might think, and perhaps that may always be a lingering feeling, BUT, we can make a choice to use that fear, and that anxiety, for something greater. We can use the mixed up parts of ourselves to create something really special in the form of community and strong ties.

I have always been open and honest about how I believe that becoming a parent made me the person I was called to be. I may have not initially saw it in my plan, but, GOD, and I am so dang glad He did, because I know in my heart, that as a mother, I have the best shot of being the person I am called to be on this earth. With that said, in the last 2 years, especially, I have learned so much more about myself; in fact, the pandemic brought me the gift of having to look deeper inside myself to really make myself whole.

As parents, the moment those babies are handed over to us, perhaps even sooner for some, we are changed. Our hearts grow and we live for these tiny humans that we pray over and put work into, hoping they will become healthy and whole people. It can become very easy to put ourselves on the back burner and to almost wear that like a badge of honor, as if neglecting your own mental and emotional well-being, or physical, (whatever it might be for you), makes you a better parent, because you are modeling sacrifice. If I have learned anything, it is that we are constantly walking a tight-rope, trying to balance truly giving ourselves to our loved ones and serving them wholly, whilst also prioritizing who we are. I am not going to say what self-care needs to look like for you, but I will at some point touch upon what it does look like for me, because I do very much understand and see firsthand how different it looks for so many parents, depending on their circumstances. I myself have experienced firsthand different forms of self-care and what works best for me, so the idea of a “one size fits all,” is completely off base. This post, however, is simply to bring us back, to reintroduce myself and what I hope to accomplish in sharing of my experiences and those shared with me. If you have stories to share or topics to touch upon in your journey as a parent, caretaker, or even friend/supporter to a parent and/or caretaker, please reach out to me, because I would love to walk this journey with you and learn from one another. In that growth, we grow in understanding and love and widen our communities that we so desperately need.

Posted on in Parenting

Navigating the Chaos

The last few months, most likely attributed to this pandemic, have had me thinking about and questioning a lot about control. Many of us grow up learning its significance. Controlling our emotions; controlling our schedules; taking ownership of our lives and being “in control.” When does this become too much, though? When does this sense of control and order become detrimental to our sanity?

I am definitely someone who has always craved order. Opposite to one of my siblings, who loved to challenge all the rules, I am someone who has always preferred to follow them. I like the rules – they serve as a road map that helps keep my life in order. For me, order, schedules, and control has helped keep me balanced. If I knew how each day would go, I could focus my efforts and energy on specific tasks and produce results in whatever I was doing.

Unfortunately, when you are someone who operates this way and who craves controlled situations over messy ones, it can get very complicated when life does not go according to plan. A pandemic, a stay-at-home order, social distancing restrictions, etc. would through anyone for a loop, but especially sent me into a tailspin.  All the elements within my realm weren’t acting according to plan. Every one of my routines was interrupted without any real warning or even real options of how to adapt. If you are into science, it was as if my controlled variable, the one that is supposed to remain constant and unchanging suddenly decided it no longer wanted to remain that way. This completely threw off the way I operated and forced me to reassess, because I have no control in this pandemic itself, but I knew I could manage my reaction, knowing very well that my response(s) would undoubtedly impact my entire household. I decided to take a step back and make it my mission to pay closer attention to my loved ones and how they operate. First off, let me tell you that while my children are most certainly resilient, but they, too, have their own ways of processing. I have heard it said from countless parents that it is up to us as the parents to paint the picture we want to tell in an effort to put a positive spin on things, and while I do agree with this to an extent, I do not believe in keeping our children in the dark, nor could I. The change in routine was obvious to my one child who clearly realized mommy was now his teacher and that he was no longer attending school with his friends. I had to get creative in explaining the pandemic in a way that was age-appropriate, but also educated him enough to know the new restrictions that were in place. Particularly challenging for him was the “no physical contact,” with anyone outside our household, which dramatically impacted his temperament. All these interruptions brought a continuous battle of finding a way to balance the lack of order.

As I saw the difficulties my family and loved ones were grappling with, it was even more clear that when life didn’t follow within a certain routine, I felt a sense of dread and total chaos. It almost felt like I was failing at my own life, not recognizing I can’t control this pandemic, nor any other human beings’ reaction to it no matter how many schedules or routines I set. This was not only incredibly damaging on my brain but also took a toll on by body as well. My obsessive need to control everything within my life was causing me to be sick when things did not go my way. I’m not talking in the temper-tantrum toddler sort of way, but more the, physically can’t eat nor sleep because I was so panicked about how I would address or plan to solve a new situation that arises. I would at times get blurred vision because I stressed myself out so much that I could not see straight (tension headaches are definitely real and they are horrible). You see, for me (and it seems for those like me), each time something goes out of order, our brains immediately jumped into fight mode, armed and ready with backup plans and alternative options for a given outcome. The problem still was, however, that when many of these plans are based on or include other human beings, we still CANNOT guarantee the exact result(s) we want. This is where it gets complicated. This is where we have a choice. I am definitely a person who lives on the idea that if things did not go the way I planned for, you simply jumped to a Plan B, Plan C, and so on and so forth until you got the result you want. I have gotten far more flexible since raising a family, yet I put other plans into motion as a parent to maintain the chaos in a way that I can multi-task and manage and still feel like I am successful.

To be clear, (because many parents I have spoken to during these last months in an effort to connect in different ways are juggling a lot of the same emotions and restlessness), regardless of how much of a planner you are, you can’t plan for a specific outcome if the variables involved aren’t on board for that same outcome. Each time I feel myself start to “lose control,” I forced myself instead to step back and laugh at myself. To just put down whatever else I am doing and jump into the moment, experiencing it for the first time instead of going through the motions of already planned out activities. You know what I am finding? Joy. Relaxation. My kids are feeding off of what I feel, processing their own emotions, looking to me to help them balance, so in the darkest moments of restlessness, if I can find that joy, so will they. Instead of worrying about filling the day with routine and activities so that life seems “normal,” I find myself focusing instead on all the elements of my children’s faces, of their mannerisms, of their little quirks that have developed. I see the beauty this time has given us in growing in various ways, both physically and emotionally. I had become so focused with being in control because I was so afraid of being “out of control,” and what this might do to my children’s lifestyle, forgetting that they simply want my attention, even if that means decompressing with the TV on because I am done planning activities for the day.

In these last few weeks of making a deliberate and conscious effort to “give up control” and lessen the reigns on how I operate, I see such a change in my children. Maybe we have found a new norm, one that feels safe for the next handful of months that allows each of us to express ourselves and lean on one another. All I can say is that the energy is so much different in our household. I still have certain routines (as I will always think they are beneficial for children and have experienced and witnessed the positive effects firsthand – post to come soon on that) in play, but I am working really hard on stepping back and letting things be a bit more. It helps me to communicate more with my husband – asking him to do something instead of playing the game of expecting him to know just so I can get annoyed that he doesn’t (the need to control does some crazy things), but allowing him the freedom to accomplish things his way. It is an adjustment, but those twenty extra minutes of sharing tasks with someone else to just sit and write or drink some tea and unwind are providing a new mental break I didn’t know I needed.

For the control freaks: I urge you to try it. The reality is, if you are like me, giving up control can be incredibly uncomfortable. It can make you feel worse before you feel better, and so if you are someone who has certain routines that genuinely help you function, then by all means, don’t mess with those. For those other ones though, the ones that you find yourself more panic stricken at trying to maintain and if you find yourself completely lost and feeling like you’re failing when things don’t go a certain way, maybe it is time to re-evaluate. Maybe it is time to step back and give up some of the reigns – to allow yourself to do some trial and errors, to find some new systems to put in place to help you manage the chaos in your life. It is almost like I get to be a kid again – experiencing things first hand that I for so long had just been going through the motions of. It makes menial tasks seem a bit more exciting, and I am sure that those in my life have a lot more enjoyment dealing with this less frazzled me.