Tag: reallife

Posted on in Friendship, Parenting

Changing Seasons

Seasons. We experience them at varying frequencies as parents. We have to adapt and modify our approaches. This season for me, has been one where I have had to take a backseat while I navigate motherhood and figuring out where else I am called to serve. I have faced uncertainty in sharing my voice, trying to determine and ensure I am doing so for a greater purpose. In more recent times, I have had some truly soul bearing conversations lately, particularly with other mamas with the same consensus… we are figuring it out, and we are exhausted. First, I have to acknowledge what a privilege it is to have community that moms/parents are more openly sharing their trials and tribulations vs. only the highlight reels. If you’re a parent that may not have a physical “village,” this emotional support is even more critical. Second, even with this more open and raw perspective, it doesn’t change the sometimes physical and emotional weight that (primary) parents are facing. This is not a dig at the parents who may be the secondary support; I am so appreciative for the role my husband has outside of our home while still coming in and giving his 100% where and when he can. Instead, it’s recognizing that for many parents whose children have left behind the baby and toddler phase, we’ve traded in our snuggly babies for larger problems that still require hands on deck. It’s become a juggling game of not just managing our homes, but managing changing and often conflicting schedules. It’s a game of children being in the in-between of wanting independence and being capable of doing more, but still needing us even in the daily, mundane tasks. My kids are completely capable kids, and yet each morning, I still find myself having to remind them of basic tasks they have to complete and physically needing to step in with others. It has become a new kind of exhaustion as I take on more tasks in my own life, transitioning from having babies/toddlers, while still managing these little people. 

I know this is a phase. I know it goes quickly. I know I will undoubtedly miss it, but it doesn’t take away from us parents feeling downright tired and a little cranky in the midst of it. If you’re in this season of transition, I see you. In fact, whatever season you’re in, you’re in good company. We are each trying to embrace the magic while we fight the anxieties and snapping at those around us. We are each fighting becoming the memes and gifs shared on social media of moms losing their sh*t. We’re not alone in that. Maybe that can provide comfort. Maybe that is where we meet one another, removing the judgment or unsolicited advice, but merely knowing there is someone out there, facing the same mountain and hoping to climb it with someone else. 

Posted on in Parenting

Shifting Gears

Moving into a new chapter as a mama

Today, my husband took our son to his first NFL game. Our son has been so excited; for weeks since we broke the news to him, he has been counting down the days to go see “his team.” I must admit, as excited as I was for him and my husband to share this moment, I was also a bit sad, and maybe even envious, too. I immediately went to a handful of trusted confidantes, one of which I consider not only my friend, but my mentor as well. I cannot begin to express the importance of finding a mentor; someone who you respect and who has been where you now walk or are about to journey on and explained to her exactly what I was feeling. She naturally understood, and helped me put words to my feelings, since as much as I didn’t want to admit it initially, it was difficult to relinquish control and let my husband run the show on this one. I guess it also felt like the end of an era for my son and me in some ways. She told me the reality is that the bittersweet feelings I have as a mother of a son will only continue. “As he continues to grow, your relationship will continue to change, and you’ll grieve it a bit, but then you’ll watch it take on a different form and you’ll grow to love that, too.” After I had a good cry and even let my husband in on what I was feeling, I sat and reflected on why I felt this strongly about this entire situation.

Then, it hit me. The moment my son was born, I was reborn.  I don’t say that in the sense that I didn’t know who I was or that I wasn’t proud of the human I was becoming, but it was that moment that changed the entire course of my future. All the dreams I had for myself came true in a completely unexpected way; this was the purpose that had been carved out just for me. As he grew, I grew, and our relationship became one of the most precious ones in my life. When my husband pursued his dream job, taking him away from us for 6 months, our bond continued to grow. He is easily one of my favorite human beings and a person I want to always know, especially as he grows older and we can shift from the parent-child role to that of best friends. I can recall a former employer telling me to soak up the moments I was his world, because as he got older, undoubtedly, there would be moments he would start to jump for daddy over mommy, and while I knew the days would come, I still wasn’t prepared.

Let me be perfectly clear: my husband was meant to be a dad. Even before I could picture myself as mama, he always knew he was meant for it. My feelings as we shift roles a bit has nothing to do with his capabilities as a parent, but just my own feelings of knowing my son is growing, and that yes, while I will always have a special place in his life, my role will start to shift as he gets older. While I am still the person he asks to snuggle him at night and the side he climbs to in the middle of the night if he has a nightmare, I can see the ways his interests now have him gravitating more towards his dad. As this happens, I will continue to repeat the words my dear friend said to me. I know it is okay to feel sad at times about this and even to grieve the moments he may no longer want me as a coach or may let go of my hand as we talk to school, but I know this awareness will only help me savor the moments I do have, even more. I look forward to seeing my husband and son get to do more together, even without his sister and me, and I know that whatever form our mother-son relationship takes, it will be absolutely beautiful.

Posted on in Marriage/Relationships, Parenting

When We’re Running on Empty

How do we keep it together when we feel so utterly exhausted?

Real talk. Lately it has felt like I am trying to balance so much, that one tiny thing could tip the entire scale and force it all to come crashing down. I am not one who does well with “failure,” so it is times like these that I struggle with drowning out the bitterness and/or resentment that can creep in when I feel like everyone else has it together and I just can’t seem to get my dang footing in place. I know I am not alone in this, and we have those days where it just feels like the day turns into a week and you just cannot shake the negative energy. Even my prayers just felt a little half-assed because I knew how distracted I was by the “things” I felt I needed to be doing and simply adjusting to new schedules with my kids and managing that with my husband’s schedule while trying to find a moment of “self-care” for myself, too. I set my youngest up with some play-dough and some music, and decided to listen to a few-week old podcast from a friend/mentor I did an 8-month Bible Study/healing journey with, Toni Collier.

This particular episode had April Daniels as a guest, and the two spoke about life after loss (if you do not know, April Daniels was married to songwriter/producer LaShawn Daniels, who passed tragically in a car crash in 2019). The entire podcast centered around the way that life truly can give us a lot of reasons to be angry sometimes, but we only need ONE reason to be grateful. When asked what advice she’d give herself during her darkest moments, April responded to, “Keep a log of your history with God.” She explained how she wrote it down, those little moments, big moments, everything in between that reminded her of God’s goodness and how He has shown up for her time and time again. She did this so that on the dark days, she had something to look back to to combat that feeling of despair and the falsities that come into our heads that we are alone. As I listened, and naturally teared up because I am definitely one who finds crying therapeutic, I got my phone out and started making notes of all the moments I knew I felt His presence. Similar to a gratitude journal, which I have done as well and found valuable, but I found this more freeing in the sense that I did not need a prompt; I simply could take any moment that made me smile or made me feel brave or reminded me that I am not alone, and log it. Those little moments that feel like someone is looking down on you, whether you believe in God, or the universe, or whatever it may be, in those moments where you felt that little “wink” of goodness, write it down. Speak it out loud – voice note it, whatever it is. Save it for the harder days. Save it for those days that you feel like the world is closing in on you and you feel like that bitterness is going to get ya– maybe your kids just aren’t hearing you the way you want them to, maybe it just feels like your partner and you cannot get on the same page; whatever it might be, you can look back and say, “Hey, I know that He showed up for me then, so He will show up for me now.” It truly has helped keep me in perspective, because, yes, there will be many times that life just feels so out of our control and like you are being pulled in different directions, but to be able to run through the way the chaos has worked to your benefit is so comforting. It may not change the morning disaster in that no matter how many times I seem to remind my children, my youngest insists on waiting to put her socks on until we are walking out the door, BUT it sure can bring you down from completely losing it day in and day out as you get it under control.

Posted on in Uncategorized

Let’s Hug it Out

The beauty of stepping back…

Sometimes, the world around us can just feel heavy. In our society, I am sure many would agree that we have felt this, but sometimes even within the little worlds we have created for ourselves, it can just feel like so much is working against you, or constantly throwing challenges you feel completely unprepared for; or, perhaps you are prepared and able to handle them, but it has just been so non-stop, that you are just exhausted by it all. While I do not believe in avoidance; in fact, I am someone who likes to face situations head on, with a lot of prayer, consulting with therapists, and in this most recent season of life, enlisting in support of my community, I do at times believe in the value of stepping back. 

Sometimes, when it just feels like so much is on your plate and you are constantly juggling and rolling with every punch that comes your way, especially with small children, I think the best thing can be to simply put everything on a pause. Again, I am not one to shy away from difficult conversations, even with my children, because I do believe in being honest with them, in an age-appropriate way of course, but sometimes, things are better when we take a moment to address it, or note that we are going to circle back to a specific situation, but right now, we are going to take a moment so we can all breathe. In our personal story, without getting into too many specifics, it has been a unique season. There have been moments that definitely felt too heavy to try to break down with our children, but that we have had to. While I am glad for those, because I do believe the transparency will only strengthen our relationships (and I will share at some point some of the beneficial ways we have found and utilized in having difficult conversations with our children about topics like illness, death, etc.) it doesn’t take away from the heavy feeling as a parent in having to have those conversations to begin with. Life is messy; we know this as adults, but having to break down some of that ugly with these little people can be heartbreaking, even if necessary. There is a balance, however, in appropriately addressing and facing issues head on to build resilient and emotionally well-rounded children, and stepping back, whether to process or to find an outlet to allow us to move along. 

Lately, our most favorite way of embracing some of the “not talking it out” is to sit on the floor and hug it out. My kids love Worship music, so they’ll at times ask me to “ask Alexa” to play some of their favorite songs, and then sit ourselves down on the kitchen floor to hug. I feel that being on the ground helps to be more at eye level with my kids so I can look them directly in the eyes and then fully embrace them. Sometimes I do this with both kids at the same time – them taking turns as to who gets to be in the middle, and we will sit there at times for what feels like an hour, shutting out everything around us, and just being in that space together. It does not cancel out when we need to address an issue, but dang, does it make us all feel good for that time to simply put everything else aside, and just feel connected, loved, and safe. I encourage you to try it. Whether you have children or not, in those moments that feel so chaotic, maybe take a step back and find a person you value and love, look that person in the eye, and then simply hug them. Let yourself deeply connect and just be embraced and reminded that among the chaos of it all, you are never alone.

Posted on in Uncategorized

When Parenting Doesn’t Feel Good

How do you manage when everything about them gets under your skin?

REAL talk. What do you do when you start to actually have feelings of dislike for your child? When they have pressed every button and tried every ounce of your patience? If you’ve been a parent for a long time, then you have definitely felt this at some point or another. Especially as our children get older and begin to exert their own free-will and come into their own, we start to see how little control we have (which in reality, we want for our children, because we want them to be self-sufficient grown-ups), but when you are in it, and just trying to get your dang kids in the car to not be late for a play-date THEY wanted, it can be incredibly defeating. When you reach this point, at least for me, every. little. thing that my children do becomes triggering. 

This was my reality the last week and a half. While I know I am not alone, as I have spoken to so many other mom-friends, because PRAISE THE LORD FOR REAL FRIENDSHIPS where we can be raw and honest, it does not make it suck any less. Feeling a twinge of actual dislike for your child is not a good feeling, and if you are like me, it causes you to spiral into the cycle of screaming, followed by overcompensation to make up for the ugly memories you fear you’ve created. Even though logically it makes sense to not love or like every attribute of someone we love, as a mother, it is very difficult to come to terms with this when it is targeted at our children. I mean, we created these little people. We love them more than we love ourselves and it can feel like a giant failure when we start to see them as normal people, rather than the perfect angels we are protecting and living for. The overcompensation, then, just sets you up for failure because you can try to plan the most “perfect” day, and then if it doesn’t live up to the expectation, because, hello, these are children we are dealing with, you set yourself up for the same frustrations you were trying to avoid.

So what do we do? How do we contend with these feelings when we as adults are meant to be the ones to help them cope with big feelings and set the example for them, but we ourselves are so triggered? Through research, various conversations with other parents, and trial and error within my own parenting, I have compiled some tried and true options that can help minimize the urge to give your child a giant noogie, even when he/she might deserve it. 

  1. Breathe. It may sound silly, but taking a moment to remind yourself to breathe can not only reset your system, but simply buy yourself some time to help you calm down. I tell my children when they are worked up, “inhala…exhala…” and I have found that when I myself do this, I can step back a moment and diffuse a situation.
  2. Look at their hands. I noticed this when I would have “cuddle time,” with my oldest. As he would doze off, I found myself just memorizing the different features of his face, taking a mental picture, and I would see his little hands nestled against his face and be brought back to moments of him as an infant. Immediately it made me smile, and I started incorporating this into moments where I was so frustrated with him. It can be hard to see the cute little babies we adore when they are talking back or throwing a tantrum, especially because their faces don’t seem nearly as adorable when they’re hitting a decibel that could shatter glass, but looking at their hands has been truly calming. I am reminded in those moments of how little they are, and while I know this may not last forever, there is something about it with elementary age children and younger, especially because they still (at least for now) will grab my hand out of comfort or just because. 
  3. Walk away. I tell my children that it is okay to have big feelings, but we do not get to leak our hurt all over others. With that said, my oldest even at playdates, when he is upset, will look at me and walk away to take a minute for himself. I have started added this to my own parenting and WHAT. A. DIFFERENCE. I often take a breath, and tell them that I am going to walk away now so I do not lose it. They recognize this is best for all of us, because yes, when mommy loses it, it definitely winds up with most of us crying. I see this even with my own marriage and my favorite friendships that embracing space isn’t something scary when you truly love someone; in fact, it is incredibly healthy, because I think it shows the person that even in the moment of being so heated, you know you will return back when you are ready. 
  4. Grounding techniques. This one I got from one of the remarkable therapists I have had the privilege of working with over the years. This might be a 5-4-3-2-1 (5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste), or a 3-2-1- (using all the senses and going down 3-1 for each). I have found that it temporarily transports me from the moment so my focus is on something completely unrelated and then I can start over once I am in a better head space.
  5. Get physical. Not with your children of course; in fact in general when we are heated, I teach my kids to create a space for themselves so if they are throwing their arms or legs, they aren’t running the risk of harming anyone else. Instead, I mean to just get moving. Change the scenery if you can – move to a different floor, go outside if you can, turn on the music and have a dance party; anything that gets your blood flowing can be extremely beneficial. 

Once you are able to think clearly and the situation is diffused a bit, it is significantly easier to address the situation. I have even found that I am able to pinpoint the trigger and have actual conversations with my kids at levels I know they can understand. We will often, post a heightened situation, sit down on the floor together and discuss what happened and 9 times out of 10, each of us can put some kind of explanation to why we each behaved the way we did, and then apologize for it. It becomes a bonding experience that shows our kids we are growing with them, and really, reminds me as a parent that there is never going to be a linear pattern to my parenting approach. We may have expectations, but if we spend too much time living in what we think our families are supposed to look like, we miss out on actually enjoying them and building core memories that ultimately make us most resilient. I am always going to have those days where I feel like I am failing as a parent because I am human; I am always, I am sure, going to have those painful days where I just feel like my children are the ones in the wrong. I cannot change those facts, BUT, I can choose to give myself grace and to equip myself with strategies that help me build grit as a parent and a human that in turn will benefit each of the people I come in contact with. I urge you to try it. This is your reminder that we are all human. We are all learning. Hopefully in the midst of it all, we can be real with one another and ultimately then  equip our children to do it a step better than we do.

Posted on in Parenting

It’s Good to be BACK

Growth

This has definitely been a long time coming. Over the last 2 years, it has been weighing on me to resume my blogging, in an effort to rebuild community and continue to grow as parent, a wife, and a person. I feel like this is especially critical given the current state of the world; I feel like the need for genuine community has never been more vital. Over the last 2 years in particular, I have spent A LOT of time digging deep, putting the work in to really be the person I believe I am called to be. We can live in fear of what others might think, and perhaps that may always be a lingering feeling, BUT, we can make a choice to use that fear, and that anxiety, for something greater. We can use the mixed up parts of ourselves to create something really special in the form of community and strong ties.

I have always been open and honest about how I believe that becoming a parent made me the person I was called to be. I may have not initially saw it in my plan, but, GOD, and I am so dang glad He did, because I know in my heart, that as a mother, I have the best shot of being the person I am called to be on this earth. With that said, in the last 2 years, especially, I have learned so much more about myself; in fact, the pandemic brought me the gift of having to look deeper inside myself to really make myself whole.

As parents, the moment those babies are handed over to us, perhaps even sooner for some, we are changed. Our hearts grow and we live for these tiny humans that we pray over and put work into, hoping they will become healthy and whole people. It can become very easy to put ourselves on the back burner and to almost wear that like a badge of honor, as if neglecting your own mental and emotional well-being, or physical, (whatever it might be for you), makes you a better parent, because you are modeling sacrifice. If I have learned anything, it is that we are constantly walking a tight-rope, trying to balance truly giving ourselves to our loved ones and serving them wholly, whilst also prioritizing who we are. I am not going to say what self-care needs to look like for you, but I will at some point touch upon what it does look like for me, because I do very much understand and see firsthand how different it looks for so many parents, depending on their circumstances. I myself have experienced firsthand different forms of self-care and what works best for me, so the idea of a “one size fits all,” is completely off base. This post, however, is simply to bring us back, to reintroduce myself and what I hope to accomplish in sharing of my experiences and those shared with me. If you have stories to share or topics to touch upon in your journey as a parent, caretaker, or even friend/supporter to a parent and/or caretaker, please reach out to me, because I would love to walk this journey with you and learn from one another. In that growth, we grow in understanding and love and widen our communities that we so desperately need.

Posted on in Marriage/Relationships, Parenting

An Unfiltered Glimpse

While we’re all guilty of sharing our highlight reel on social media, it’s equally important to let people see the unedited version of who you are.

Becoming a wife and mama are perhaps the two most beautiful roles I have ever been given. This does not, however, mean that these roles come without their challenges. This journey of motherhood, in particular, changes you; it changes how you approach your life and all the relationships within it. With this, we have a choice. Do we choose to display only what is beautiful, or, give people an accurate look into our lives and grow in genuine community with other men and women who may be very much facing similar situations? For me, I have always preferred the latter, but even more so as a parent, and a wife, who has had the gift of sitting in some of the deepest valleys and meeting incredible people who helped me climb atop the mountains. It would be a disservice then, to not continue to walk in honesty and raw vulnerability so that others know they too are not alone.

Why share an often unedited glimpse into the trials and tribulations I face as a wife and mother?

  • So many times, mom friends and I discussed how challenging navigating motherhood can be. While it is beautiful, it can also be downright isolating at times. We are not meant to do life alone — while we choose partners to do life with, when we become parents, these roles change, and in that, it requires adjusting how relationships and growing with them. For me, I have found that being open with other parents is freeing.
  • In a world obsessed with social media, it is especially easy to be hard on yourself as a parent. So often, we see the seemingly perfect lives of others and begin to doubt our own abilities, sometimes making us question who we are. While I am all for continued growth, this has to be done on your terms, not because you feel a need to keep up with another person.

I am someone who has always believed in the power of truth. While I do not speak for every parent and spouse, I take into account so many conversations with friends in their rawest moments. I have found that it is in these moments that we learn the most, grow the most, and foster our strongest relationships. A little humor also never hurts.

I want to add that I am not an expert parent and/or partner by any means. Instead, I share what I’ve learned or what has been shared with me simply so help lift that veil of the “perfect” parent and spouse, maybe helping us better ourselves along the way. This journey is filled with continuous twists and turns, a lot of temper tantrums and slaying of dragons, and a whole lot of love. Follow along for:

  • Countless parenting wins and parenting fails. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, but we always keep it real.
  • Marriage after children. Marriage is hard. Adding tiny humans into the mix along with outside responsibilities can make it easy to put your love life on the back burner. Perfect marriages do not exist, but real ones do.
  • Budget friendly ideas for occupying your little humans, date nights, birthday parties, etc. Finances definitely change after kids, but we can still provide our families with amazing experiences.

I will never be the perfect parent, the perfect friend, the perfect family member, nor the perfect partner, but I have found in sharing that with others, it turns out, none of us really are. We often spend so much time judging other people or comparing ourselves, especially our marriages and parenting choices, that we forget that most likely, other people are doing the same. The perfect life is not one I will ever achieve, nor would I want to. The filters are beautiful, but the raw, unedited images are my favorite.