Tag: keepingitreal

Posted on in Parenting

Shifting Gears

Moving into a new chapter as a mama

Today, my husband took our son to his first NFL game. Our son has been so excited; for weeks since we broke the news to him, he has been counting down the days to go see “his team.” I must admit, as excited as I was for him and my husband to share this moment, I was also a bit sad, and maybe even envious, too. I immediately went to a handful of trusted confidantes, one of which I consider not only my friend, but my mentor as well. I cannot begin to express the importance of finding a mentor; someone who you respect and who has been where you now walk or are about to journey on and explained to her exactly what I was feeling. She naturally understood, and helped me put words to my feelings, since as much as I didn’t want to admit it initially, it was difficult to relinquish control and let my husband run the show on this one. I guess it also felt like the end of an era for my son and me in some ways. She told me the reality is that the bittersweet feelings I have as a mother of a son will only continue. “As he continues to grow, your relationship will continue to change, and you’ll grieve it a bit, but then you’ll watch it take on a different form and you’ll grow to love that, too.” After I had a good cry and even let my husband in on what I was feeling, I sat and reflected on why I felt this strongly about this entire situation.

Then, it hit me. The moment my son was born, I was reborn.  I don’t say that in the sense that I didn’t know who I was or that I wasn’t proud of the human I was becoming, but it was that moment that changed the entire course of my future. All the dreams I had for myself came true in a completely unexpected way; this was the purpose that had been carved out just for me. As he grew, I grew, and our relationship became one of the most precious ones in my life. When my husband pursued his dream job, taking him away from us for 6 months, our bond continued to grow. He is easily one of my favorite human beings and a person I want to always know, especially as he grows older and we can shift from the parent-child role to that of best friends. I can recall a former employer telling me to soak up the moments I was his world, because as he got older, undoubtedly, there would be moments he would start to jump for daddy over mommy, and while I knew the days would come, I still wasn’t prepared.

Let me be perfectly clear: my husband was meant to be a dad. Even before I could picture myself as mama, he always knew he was meant for it. My feelings as we shift roles a bit has nothing to do with his capabilities as a parent, but just my own feelings of knowing my son is growing, and that yes, while I will always have a special place in his life, my role will start to shift as he gets older. While I am still the person he asks to snuggle him at night and the side he climbs to in the middle of the night if he has a nightmare, I can see the ways his interests now have him gravitating more towards his dad. As this happens, I will continue to repeat the words my dear friend said to me. I know it is okay to feel sad at times about this and even to grieve the moments he may no longer want me as a coach or may let go of my hand as we talk to school, but I know this awareness will only help me savor the moments I do have, even more. I look forward to seeing my husband and son get to do more together, even without his sister and me, and I know that whatever form our mother-son relationship takes, it will be absolutely beautiful.

Posted on in Parenting

First Day Jitters

A new chapter awaits, but this mama has been struggling..

I have definitely been in mourning. Mourning a chapter of my life that feels like it is closing. While I am usually one to look excitedly to the future, this particular chapter ending/beginning has given me a particularly difficult time. My first born, after 2.5 years of a pandemic and home school, is about to go off to school this week. While I am so excited for him, there is a part of me that is utterly heartbroken. It feels like time is moving all too fast and that I am losing my little boy. In a sense perhaps I am, but with the gift of seeing him age right before my eyes. This is where the panic and my own insecurities have crept in. 

Have I prepared him enough?

Will be be sure to be a leader and be compassionate and kind? 

Will be get himself into trouble?

Will others be kind to him?

Was holding him a year the right decision?

Have my mistakes and freak outs scarred him for life? 

Will he come to me? 

I pray he always knows how loved he is, not just by me, but by God. Even in the moments as he ages that he feels he cannot talk to me, I pray I’ve built enough of foundation for him to always know he can bring it to God and be guided to make the right decisions. I am trying to not get ahead of myself, but I have definitely spent a lot of this last week either reminiscing and getting emotional over how much he’s grown, and flashing forward in my mind to what is yet to come. Even taking him for his haircut this week, I sat at the barbershop as he made his way and expressed exactly what he wanted; two high school aged boys sat near us, and I got choked up as my mind flashed forward to my own child sitting there 10 years later, without me by his side. This has been happening more frequently as I struggle with reminiscing about the past and hoping I have savored the time enough, and looking to the future, hoping that all the moments we’ve shared have been enough to give him a solid foundation. 

After countless conversations with parents who have been here before me and my non-parent, elementary teacher friends, it has been constant that all I can do is try to remain as present as I can, trusting that my day to day preparations have been enough. As cliché as it may be, the only real way to approach this next chapter is one little step at a time. It is the daily moments of preparation with my child, being honest about how excited I am for him, though I’ll miss him terribly. It is living each day as we have, but trying to be more intentional in soaking up each moment. I cannot go back, and I cannot worry myself so much about the future, but I can continue to work alongside my child, growing with him and preparing as best as we can for certain occasions, while being real about the fact that it may not all look the way we want. We can do our best to prepare our children, but on that actual day when a brand new chapter starts for them, all we can do is watch them take that step with the confidence that in every new adventure, they know that we’ll be in their corners, probably sobbing in our cars as they walk away.