“So are you guys trying? “You do want one (or another) though, right?”

These questions, though seemingly harmless, can be really difficult for women (and their partners) in the midst of trying to start or expand their families. I have spoken with countless friends, friends of friends, and acquaintances, who after my being so open with my struggles have shared their stories with me. Besides learning just how common miscarriage and fertility issues are among women (of all ages, fitness levels, backgrounds, etc.), what I discovered as most alarming was the reaction and behavior these women face from other people.

While the aforementioned questions and others like them are not offensive questions, without knowing what specific couples are facing, they can cause far more damage than someone expects. I had one friend explain a situation in which she was told, she “had to have another child,” because she “couldn’t do that to her child, just leaving him alone like that.” While I choose to see the positive and believe that the speaker was simply speaking from her own experience of having multiple children and being a sibling herself, it does not take away from the negative impact these comments had on my friend. This woman did not know if my friend had been trying unsuccessfully or if she and her husband made the choice for what is best for their family. Either way, it planted unnecessary doubt in her mind as a parent as if she was doing something wrong by not having a sibling for her child.

This situation is not an isolated one; this in fact has happened to both my husband and I as well. Prior to our losses, we continuously were asked, “What are you waiting for?” and/or “Don’t wait too long.” Even post losses, we were repeatedly questioned as to when we would begin trying again, as if it is automatically assumed that we will move forward with attempting to have more children. What people fail to realize with questions like these is the doubt or damage they are planting in the minds of women and their partners. I know some women who know that for them having one child is all they want – why should they feel bad about that because another person feels they should have more? Other women tried time and time again, sharing how each time that month rolled around that they weren’t pregnant, they felt as if they had failed their families. Does reminding them of that help?

What it comes down to is this: even though we may mean well or take interest in asking people about their families, it really is not a conversation you should be having unless you have a very close relationship with the person (or couple). Even then, it is something to tread lightly in your word choice because you genuinely don’t know what a particular couple is going through or their reasons for perhaps holding off on starting or expanding their family.

As a mom, I work hard to teach my children how to be sensitive and respectful to other peoples’ emotions. I am going to generalize and say that most moms would agree they do the same, so we must remember to model that same behavior in our daily interactions with others. Show some extra care – think twice before asking the nosy question to someone you most likely aren’t even close enough with (because my guess is if you were close enough, you’d have more insight and not need answers to these questions).

To the mamas whose hearts are open and waiting: I’m praying for you. To the mamas whose hearts who are completely filled with one: I’m happy for you. Don’t let the nosy questions (even covered in good intentions) dampen your spirit.