Tag: growingup

Posted on in Parenting

Shifting Gears

Moving into a new chapter as a mama

Today, my husband took our son to his first NFL game. Our son has been so excited; for weeks since we broke the news to him, he has been counting down the days to go see “his team.” I must admit, as excited as I was for him and my husband to share this moment, I was also a bit sad, and maybe even envious, too. I immediately went to a handful of trusted confidantes, one of which I consider not only my friend, but my mentor as well. I cannot begin to express the importance of finding a mentor; someone who you respect and who has been where you now walk or are about to journey on and explained to her exactly what I was feeling. She naturally understood, and helped me put words to my feelings, since as much as I didn’t want to admit it initially, it was difficult to relinquish control and let my husband run the show on this one. I guess it also felt like the end of an era for my son and me in some ways. She told me the reality is that the bittersweet feelings I have as a mother of a son will only continue. “As he continues to grow, your relationship will continue to change, and you’ll grieve it a bit, but then you’ll watch it take on a different form and you’ll grow to love that, too.” After I had a good cry and even let my husband in on what I was feeling, I sat and reflected on why I felt this strongly about this entire situation.

Then, it hit me. The moment my son was born, I was reborn.  I don’t say that in the sense that I didn’t know who I was or that I wasn’t proud of the human I was becoming, but it was that moment that changed the entire course of my future. All the dreams I had for myself came true in a completely unexpected way; this was the purpose that had been carved out just for me. As he grew, I grew, and our relationship became one of the most precious ones in my life. When my husband pursued his dream job, taking him away from us for 6 months, our bond continued to grow. He is easily one of my favorite human beings and a person I want to always know, especially as he grows older and we can shift from the parent-child role to that of best friends. I can recall a former employer telling me to soak up the moments I was his world, because as he got older, undoubtedly, there would be moments he would start to jump for daddy over mommy, and while I knew the days would come, I still wasn’t prepared.

Let me be perfectly clear: my husband was meant to be a dad. Even before I could picture myself as mama, he always knew he was meant for it. My feelings as we shift roles a bit has nothing to do with his capabilities as a parent, but just my own feelings of knowing my son is growing, and that yes, while I will always have a special place in his life, my role will start to shift as he gets older. While I am still the person he asks to snuggle him at night and the side he climbs to in the middle of the night if he has a nightmare, I can see the ways his interests now have him gravitating more towards his dad. As this happens, I will continue to repeat the words my dear friend said to me. I know it is okay to feel sad at times about this and even to grieve the moments he may no longer want me as a coach or may let go of my hand as we talk to school, but I know this awareness will only help me savor the moments I do have, even more. I look forward to seeing my husband and son get to do more together, even without his sister and me, and I know that whatever form our mother-son relationship takes, it will be absolutely beautiful.

Posted on in Parenting

Managing the “After-School Restraint Collapse”

We know it is real and we may not be able to avoid it completely, but we can definitely minimize the intensity.

My son’s first day went as dreamily as I could hope. Great report from both teacher and student, and he had so much to say on the way home. I was not prepared, however, for the behavior I would be getting once we got home. While he was happy and excited, it felt as if he had completely turned his ears off and forgotten what his life was like. Every little task, even though routine, became an issue; I consistently had to repeat myself, even to the point of screaming, and every request was met with push-back. I am talking, borderline throwing himself on the ground in a tantrum I had actually never seen from him before, but definitely do see from my current toddler. My husband and I looked at one another that first day, trying to remain patient and compassionate, but rather flabbergasted. “This cannot be how it is going to be from now on,” I thought to myself multiple times as I fought tears. We were going to have less time together now, and instead the time we did have, I did not recognize the child in front of me.

Naturally, I went to friends with kids a year or two older just to discuss how it went for their children. The second I mentioned the after-school meltdown, each person either sighed with relief, laughed, or gasped in a clear sign of camaraderie. “My child STILL does this when a school year starts, for about the first month,” one friend shared, indicating that for her, bringing the kids home and letting them watch a show for the first 15 minutes often helped them decompress before homework time, etc. Other parents shared how their first go-to was a snack and water (sometimes even in the car if they had errands to run), or snack and homework together right in the first half hour and then decompressing time before the meltdown might hit. This got me thinking about what might work best for us to minimize the after-school crash. I get it, as adults, I know many people by 2pm who are grabbing a caffeine fix or scheduling their workouts around that time as a “pick-me-up,” so I can very much understand our kids needing some kind of outlet or boost, particularly as they adjust to a new schedule. I decided to do some research on this “after school crash/meltdown” and found various articles from“Afterschool Restraint Collapse,” (Today’s Parent, https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/school-age/after-school-restraint-collapse-is-a-real-thing-heres-how-to-deal-with-it/) to insight from TheMomPsychologists on Instagram, offering explanations and tips for why this happens and best practices to try to cope. 

The following day I immediately implemented the snack and water, even picking up a special snack for my son to eat in the car, while we ran a handful of errands. I told myself that after that day, I would try to enforce a “non-busy” after-school routine until we got a grasp on how to best help him decompress and get through the remainder of the day. While I am thrilled to know how well-behaved he is in school, it definitely is a challenge to try to keep it together all day, and then naturally, when they return to their home environments, they collapse. The entire following week, I committed to a strict schedule of various practices to determine which best fit to minimizing the collapse. This week did throw some unexpected plans that shifted my “control agents,” but I felt it was helpful to also see how he adapted.

Monday – after school snack of “Ants on a Log” (celery with peanut butter and raisins), and a slice of homemade pumpkin bread from the night before. I set up a sensory bin on the table for him to play with while he snacked, so that he could unwind, but still be at the table for if we needed to do homework. I added in a basement game for him to play with my husband just because I wound up with a doctor’s appointment and have noticed that on days my husband is off, my son loves to play physical games with him that he does not necessarily play with me. Behavior was pretty great, minus some issues sharing dad with his sister (which is normal given my husband’s schedule).

Tuesday – after school snack of Apple Nachos (sliced apples drizzled with vanilla greek yogurt and nutella; topped with coconut flakes and chopped nuts). I set up mini stations with magnatiles one one side (we have a ton of additions to our sets thanks to many family members, so there are so many options for this type of play), an indoor bean bag toss, and playdough. 

Wednesday – Snack: Ants on a log – celery topped with ranch and goldfish; celery topped with nutella, chopped nuts, coconut flakes; celery topped with peanut butter, raisins, and some mini m&ms. My husband happened to be off, so we actually made a family activity as our decompressing time and played Monopoly Junior for an hour. This really had him in great spirits, so I did allow him to cash in usage of his points (Garmin watch that we assign chores to, etc.) to use his tablet to play a game. 

Thursday – Snack:Trail Mix; we were on the go to make his hair cut at the barbershop for picture day, so I had to get creative. I still wanted him to have a snack that would hold him over until dinner and refuel him, so I used some plain cereal, raisins, unsalted pistachios, and some mini m&ms for added fun.. For our activity, we parked a few blocks away from the Barbershop and “raced” there so that he was ready to just sit for the shape up. At home, I had coloring work waiting just because I feel he has gravitated away from it, but it was always a soothing activity for him. I had his Back to School Night, so we were a little off routine, but I wanted to keep it as close to usual right up until I left and our sitter ran bed-time. 

Friday – I decided to mix things up just because my husband was home and I could tell that my son needed some one-on-one mom and son time. I walked over to our favorite bakery/cafe and picked up an herbal iced tea he loves (raspberry hibiscus rose tea) and a special treat of a pistachio brownie. We walked home together, which I don’t know if it was the physical activity or the conversation that really aided in helping him decompress. 

While I recognize that various factors may impact each school day and how the afternoon goes after pick-up, having food and water ready, along with some kind of activity really kept the meltdowns at bay. My son has never been in school for a full day, and while I understand him coming home to his “safe place” and it all falling apart some days, I wanted to find a way to help him through, because as frustrating as it is for us parents, I am sure it is more so for him, unable to understand when his emotions and feelings just totally overload him after a great day in school. I am a huge fan of structure; I love routine, so for us, adding in this afternoon variation that still fits with a routine is perfect. I can see even the weekend, the way the deviation took a little toll and impacted my kids’ behavior, but keeping that afternoon snack and activity time (post-nap for my youngest) still helped us get the rest of the afternoons and evenings back on track. This was especially important to me to try to find a system that worked as we prepare to add in his fall sport in the next week and a half. Hopefully another parent/guardian/friend of someone with kids may find a routine like this helps them, too!

Posted on in Uncategorized

When Parenting Doesn’t Feel Good

How do you manage when everything about them gets under your skin?

REAL talk. What do you do when you start to actually have feelings of dislike for your child? When they have pressed every button and tried every ounce of your patience? If you’ve been a parent for a long time, then you have definitely felt this at some point or another. Especially as our children get older and begin to exert their own free-will and come into their own, we start to see how little control we have (which in reality, we want for our children, because we want them to be self-sufficient grown-ups), but when you are in it, and just trying to get your dang kids in the car to not be late for a play-date THEY wanted, it can be incredibly defeating. When you reach this point, at least for me, every. little. thing that my children do becomes triggering. 

This was my reality the last week and a half. While I know I am not alone, as I have spoken to so many other mom-friends, because PRAISE THE LORD FOR REAL FRIENDSHIPS where we can be raw and honest, it does not make it suck any less. Feeling a twinge of actual dislike for your child is not a good feeling, and if you are like me, it causes you to spiral into the cycle of screaming, followed by overcompensation to make up for the ugly memories you fear you’ve created. Even though logically it makes sense to not love or like every attribute of someone we love, as a mother, it is very difficult to come to terms with this when it is targeted at our children. I mean, we created these little people. We love them more than we love ourselves and it can feel like a giant failure when we start to see them as normal people, rather than the perfect angels we are protecting and living for. The overcompensation, then, just sets you up for failure because you can try to plan the most “perfect” day, and then if it doesn’t live up to the expectation, because, hello, these are children we are dealing with, you set yourself up for the same frustrations you were trying to avoid.

So what do we do? How do we contend with these feelings when we as adults are meant to be the ones to help them cope with big feelings and set the example for them, but we ourselves are so triggered? Through research, various conversations with other parents, and trial and error within my own parenting, I have compiled some tried and true options that can help minimize the urge to give your child a giant noogie, even when he/she might deserve it. 

  1. Breathe. It may sound silly, but taking a moment to remind yourself to breathe can not only reset your system, but simply buy yourself some time to help you calm down. I tell my children when they are worked up, “inhala…exhala…” and I have found that when I myself do this, I can step back a moment and diffuse a situation.
  2. Look at their hands. I noticed this when I would have “cuddle time,” with my oldest. As he would doze off, I found myself just memorizing the different features of his face, taking a mental picture, and I would see his little hands nestled against his face and be brought back to moments of him as an infant. Immediately it made me smile, and I started incorporating this into moments where I was so frustrated with him. It can be hard to see the cute little babies we adore when they are talking back or throwing a tantrum, especially because their faces don’t seem nearly as adorable when they’re hitting a decibel that could shatter glass, but looking at their hands has been truly calming. I am reminded in those moments of how little they are, and while I know this may not last forever, there is something about it with elementary age children and younger, especially because they still (at least for now) will grab my hand out of comfort or just because. 
  3. Walk away. I tell my children that it is okay to have big feelings, but we do not get to leak our hurt all over others. With that said, my oldest even at playdates, when he is upset, will look at me and walk away to take a minute for himself. I have started added this to my own parenting and WHAT. A. DIFFERENCE. I often take a breath, and tell them that I am going to walk away now so I do not lose it. They recognize this is best for all of us, because yes, when mommy loses it, it definitely winds up with most of us crying. I see this even with my own marriage and my favorite friendships that embracing space isn’t something scary when you truly love someone; in fact, it is incredibly healthy, because I think it shows the person that even in the moment of being so heated, you know you will return back when you are ready. 
  4. Grounding techniques. This one I got from one of the remarkable therapists I have had the privilege of working with over the years. This might be a 5-4-3-2-1 (5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste), or a 3-2-1- (using all the senses and going down 3-1 for each). I have found that it temporarily transports me from the moment so my focus is on something completely unrelated and then I can start over once I am in a better head space.
  5. Get physical. Not with your children of course; in fact in general when we are heated, I teach my kids to create a space for themselves so if they are throwing their arms or legs, they aren’t running the risk of harming anyone else. Instead, I mean to just get moving. Change the scenery if you can – move to a different floor, go outside if you can, turn on the music and have a dance party; anything that gets your blood flowing can be extremely beneficial. 

Once you are able to think clearly and the situation is diffused a bit, it is significantly easier to address the situation. I have even found that I am able to pinpoint the trigger and have actual conversations with my kids at levels I know they can understand. We will often, post a heightened situation, sit down on the floor together and discuss what happened and 9 times out of 10, each of us can put some kind of explanation to why we each behaved the way we did, and then apologize for it. It becomes a bonding experience that shows our kids we are growing with them, and really, reminds me as a parent that there is never going to be a linear pattern to my parenting approach. We may have expectations, but if we spend too much time living in what we think our families are supposed to look like, we miss out on actually enjoying them and building core memories that ultimately make us most resilient. I am always going to have those days where I feel like I am failing as a parent because I am human; I am always, I am sure, going to have those painful days where I just feel like my children are the ones in the wrong. I cannot change those facts, BUT, I can choose to give myself grace and to equip myself with strategies that help me build grit as a parent and a human that in turn will benefit each of the people I come in contact with. I urge you to try it. This is your reminder that we are all human. We are all learning. Hopefully in the midst of it all, we can be real with one another and ultimately then  equip our children to do it a step better than we do.