How do we keep it together when we feel so utterly exhausted?

Real talk. Lately it has felt like I am trying to balance so much, that one tiny thing could tip the entire scale and force it all to come crashing down. I am not one who does well with “failure,” so it is times like these that I struggle with drowning out the bitterness and/or resentment that can creep in when I feel like everyone else has it together and I just can’t seem to get my dang footing in place. I know I am not alone in this, and we have those days where it just feels like the day turns into a week and you just cannot shake the negative energy. Even my prayers just felt a little half-assed because I knew how distracted I was by the “things” I felt I needed to be doing and simply adjusting to new schedules with my kids and managing that with my husband’s schedule while trying to find a moment of “self-care” for myself, too. I set my youngest up with some play-dough and some music, and decided to listen to a few-week old podcast from a friend/mentor I did an 8-month Bible Study/healing journey with, Toni Collier.

This particular episode had April Daniels as a guest, and the two spoke about life after loss (if you do not know, April Daniels was married to songwriter/producer LaShawn Daniels, who passed tragically in a car crash in 2019). The entire podcast centered around the way that life truly can give us a lot of reasons to be angry sometimes, but we only need ONE reason to be grateful. When asked what advice she’d give herself during her darkest moments, April responded to, “Keep a log of your history with God.” She explained how she wrote it down, those little moments, big moments, everything in between that reminded her of God’s goodness and how He has shown up for her time and time again. She did this so that on the dark days, she had something to look back to to combat that feeling of despair and the falsities that come into our heads that we are alone. As I listened, and naturally teared up because I am definitely one who finds crying therapeutic, I got my phone out and started making notes of all the moments I knew I felt His presence. Similar to a gratitude journal, which I have done as well and found valuable, but I found this more freeing in the sense that I did not need a prompt; I simply could take any moment that made me smile or made me feel brave or reminded me that I am not alone, and log it. Those little moments that feel like someone is looking down on you, whether you believe in God, or the universe, or whatever it may be, in those moments where you felt that little “wink” of goodness, write it down. Speak it out loud – voice note it, whatever it is. Save it for the harder days. Save it for those days that you feel like the world is closing in on you and you feel like that bitterness is going to get ya– maybe your kids just aren’t hearing you the way you want them to, maybe it just feels like your partner and you cannot get on the same page; whatever it might be, you can look back and say, “Hey, I know that He showed up for me then, so He will show up for me now.” It truly has helped keep me in perspective, because, yes, there will be many times that life just feels so out of our control and like you are being pulled in different directions, but to be able to run through the way the chaos has worked to your benefit is so comforting. It may not change the morning disaster in that no matter how many times I seem to remind my children, my youngest insists on waiting to put her socks on until we are walking out the door, BUT it sure can bring you down from completely losing it day in and day out as you get it under control.