The last few months, most likely attributed to this pandemic, have had me thinking about and questioning a lot about control. Many of us grow up learning its significance. Controlling our emotions; controlling our schedules; taking ownership of our lives and being “in control.” When does this become too much, though? When does this sense of control and order become detrimental to our sanity?

I am definitely someone who has always craved order. Opposite to one of my siblings, who loved to challenge all the rules, I am someone who has always preferred to follow them. I like the rules – they serve as a road map that helps keep my life in order. For me, order, schedules, and control has helped keep me balanced. If I knew how each day would go, I could focus my efforts and energy on specific tasks and produce results in whatever I was doing.

Unfortunately, when you are someone who operates this way and who craves controlled situations over messy ones, it can get very complicated when life does not go according to plan. A pandemic, a stay-at-home order, social distancing restrictions, etc. would through anyone for a loop, but especially sent me into a tailspin.  All the elements within my realm weren’t acting according to plan. Every one of my routines was interrupted without any real warning or even real options of how to adapt. If you are into science, it was as if my controlled variable, the one that is supposed to remain constant and unchanging suddenly decided it no longer wanted to remain that way. This completely threw off the way I operated and forced me to reassess, because I have no control in this pandemic itself, but I knew I could manage my reaction, knowing very well that my response(s) would undoubtedly impact my entire household. I decided to take a step back and make it my mission to pay closer attention to my loved ones and how they operate. First off, let me tell you that while my children are most certainly resilient, but they, too, have their own ways of processing. I have heard it said from countless parents that it is up to us as the parents to paint the picture we want to tell in an effort to put a positive spin on things, and while I do agree with this to an extent, I do not believe in keeping our children in the dark, nor could I. The change in routine was obvious to my one child who clearly realized mommy was now his teacher and that he was no longer attending school with his friends. I had to get creative in explaining the pandemic in a way that was age-appropriate, but also educated him enough to know the new restrictions that were in place. Particularly challenging for him was the “no physical contact,” with anyone outside our household, which dramatically impacted his temperament. All these interruptions brought a continuous battle of finding a way to balance the lack of order.

As I saw the difficulties my family and loved ones were grappling with, it was even more clear that when life didn’t follow within a certain routine, I felt a sense of dread and total chaos. It almost felt like I was failing at my own life, not recognizing I can’t control this pandemic, nor any other human beings’ reaction to it no matter how many schedules or routines I set. This was not only incredibly damaging on my brain but also took a toll on by body as well. My obsessive need to control everything within my life was causing me to be sick when things did not go my way. I’m not talking in the temper-tantrum toddler sort of way, but more the, physically can’t eat nor sleep because I was so panicked about how I would address or plan to solve a new situation that arises. I would at times get blurred vision because I stressed myself out so much that I could not see straight (tension headaches are definitely real and they are horrible). You see, for me (and it seems for those like me), each time something goes out of order, our brains immediately jumped into fight mode, armed and ready with backup plans and alternative options for a given outcome. The problem still was, however, that when many of these plans are based on or include other human beings, we still CANNOT guarantee the exact result(s) we want. This is where it gets complicated. This is where we have a choice. I am definitely a person who lives on the idea that if things did not go the way I planned for, you simply jumped to a Plan B, Plan C, and so on and so forth until you got the result you want. I have gotten far more flexible since raising a family, yet I put other plans into motion as a parent to maintain the chaos in a way that I can multi-task and manage and still feel like I am successful.

To be clear, (because many parents I have spoken to during these last months in an effort to connect in different ways are juggling a lot of the same emotions and restlessness), regardless of how much of a planner you are, you can’t plan for a specific outcome if the variables involved aren’t on board for that same outcome. Each time I feel myself start to “lose control,” I forced myself instead to step back and laugh at myself. To just put down whatever else I am doing and jump into the moment, experiencing it for the first time instead of going through the motions of already planned out activities. You know what I am finding? Joy. Relaxation. My kids are feeding off of what I feel, processing their own emotions, looking to me to help them balance, so in the darkest moments of restlessness, if I can find that joy, so will they. Instead of worrying about filling the day with routine and activities so that life seems “normal,” I find myself focusing instead on all the elements of my children’s faces, of their mannerisms, of their little quirks that have developed. I see the beauty this time has given us in growing in various ways, both physically and emotionally. I had become so focused with being in control because I was so afraid of being “out of control,” and what this might do to my children’s lifestyle, forgetting that they simply want my attention, even if that means decompressing with the TV on because I am done planning activities for the day.

In these last few weeks of making a deliberate and conscious effort to “give up control” and lessen the reigns on how I operate, I see such a change in my children. Maybe we have found a new norm, one that feels safe for the next handful of months that allows each of us to express ourselves and lean on one another. All I can say is that the energy is so much different in our household. I still have certain routines (as I will always think they are beneficial for children and have experienced and witnessed the positive effects firsthand – post to come soon on that) in play, but I am working really hard on stepping back and letting things be a bit more. It helps me to communicate more with my husband – asking him to do something instead of playing the game of expecting him to know just so I can get annoyed that he doesn’t (the need to control does some crazy things), but allowing him the freedom to accomplish things his way. It is an adjustment, but those twenty extra minutes of sharing tasks with someone else to just sit and write or drink some tea and unwind are providing a new mental break I didn’t know I needed.

For the control freaks: I urge you to try it. The reality is, if you are like me, giving up control can be incredibly uncomfortable. It can make you feel worse before you feel better, and so if you are someone who has certain routines that genuinely help you function, then by all means, don’t mess with those. For those other ones though, the ones that you find yourself more panic stricken at trying to maintain and if you find yourself completely lost and feeling like you’re failing when things don’t go a certain way, maybe it is time to re-evaluate. Maybe it is time to step back and give up some of the reigns – to allow yourself to do some trial and errors, to find some new systems to put in place to help you manage the chaos in your life. It is almost like I get to be a kid again – experiencing things first hand that I for so long had just been going through the motions of. It makes menial tasks seem a bit more exciting, and I am sure that those in my life have a lot more enjoyment dealing with this less frazzled me.