A new chapter awaits, but this mama has been struggling..

I have definitely been in mourning. Mourning a chapter of my life that feels like it is closing. While I am usually one to look excitedly to the future, this particular chapter ending/beginning has given me a particularly difficult time. My first born, after 2.5 years of a pandemic and home school, is about to go off to school this week. While I am so excited for him, there is a part of me that is utterly heartbroken. It feels like time is moving all too fast and that I am losing my little boy. In a sense perhaps I am, but with the gift of seeing him age right before my eyes. This is where the panic and my own insecurities have crept in. 

Have I prepared him enough?

Will be be sure to be a leader and be compassionate and kind? 

Will be get himself into trouble?

Will others be kind to him?

Was holding him a year the right decision?

Have my mistakes and freak outs scarred him for life? 

Will he come to me? 

I pray he always knows how loved he is, not just by me, but by God. Even in the moments as he ages that he feels he cannot talk to me, I pray I’ve built enough of foundation for him to always know he can bring it to God and be guided to make the right decisions. I am trying to not get ahead of myself, but I have definitely spent a lot of this last week either reminiscing and getting emotional over how much he’s grown, and flashing forward in my mind to what is yet to come. Even taking him for his haircut this week, I sat at the barbershop as he made his way and expressed exactly what he wanted; two high school aged boys sat near us, and I got choked up as my mind flashed forward to my own child sitting there 10 years later, without me by his side. This has been happening more frequently as I struggle with reminiscing about the past and hoping I have savored the time enough, and looking to the future, hoping that all the moments we’ve shared have been enough to give him a solid foundation. 

After countless conversations with parents who have been here before me and my non-parent, elementary teacher friends, it has been constant that all I can do is try to remain as present as I can, trusting that my day to day preparations have been enough. As cliché as it may be, the only real way to approach this next chapter is one little step at a time. It is the daily moments of preparation with my child, being honest about how excited I am for him, though I’ll miss him terribly. It is living each day as we have, but trying to be more intentional in soaking up each moment. I cannot go back, and I cannot worry myself so much about the future, but I can continue to work alongside my child, growing with him and preparing as best as we can for certain occasions, while being real about the fact that it may not all look the way we want. We can do our best to prepare our children, but on that actual day when a brand new chapter starts for them, all we can do is watch them take that step with the confidence that in every new adventure, they know that we’ll be in their corners, probably sobbing in our cars as they walk away.