Category: Marriage/Relationships

Posted on in Friendship, Marriage/Relationships, Parenting

Attitude of Gratitude

How do we find it when we don’t feel particularly grateful?

We’re in a season of gratitude. This time of year is often referred to as the best time of the year… a time where we are meant to reflect on the incredible blessings we have and attempt to share that goodness with others. It is a time for forgiveness and increased love. Sometimes, however, no matter how hard we try, it can feel like we just cannot find that feeling. You can be the most positive person in the world, and yet some days you just can’t seem to find the silver lining. 

This is where flexing our gratitude muscle comes in. I can speak from experience as we entered Thanksgiving and holiday time, that it is often my favorite time of the year. With two sick kids and a husband working nonstop, and what felt like mounting obligations pulling me in many different directions, however, I felt the joyous feeling I often carry, fading away. In fact, leading into Thanksgiving, it felt like a genuine chore to remind myself of how fortunate I am; I actively recounted my blessings each day and tried to remind myself of the good even though I felt like my world was pure chaos. I felt overtired, overstimulated and caffeinated in an attempt to combat that, over-committed to too many things trying to create community and positive members, instead leaving me feeling more depleted and alone than ever. But… that conscious effort to “flex my gratitude muscle” continued to remind me to keep going. 

I am not saying times will not be difficult. I am not saying we don’t all have days where it is easier to wallow in our own self-pity. I am not saying we aren’t entitled to freak out moments we then are ashamed of. I am saying, however, that in those times, I think that actively flexing our gratitude is a practice I find most helpful. In our house, we did this for the month of November through a “gratitude Turkey.” My oldest drew us a turkey, and each day, we took time in the morning to write out something we were thankful for that day, and then stick it to the turkey as its feathers. Each morning, I watched my kids think about something us they felt grateful for that day… some mornings it was the earth, our house, a cozy bed, various family members; other days were more materialistic items like a specific toy or markers. Each day, however, setting this time and watching them dig deep forced me to take a moment and do the same. It is actually a practice I used to do written out each day, but as the recent months got busier, I started to neglect. I didn’t realize the significance it had until I felt the chaos of the last month try to rob me of my gratitude and joy. 

It’s something to remember as we continue into this holiday season. There will undoubtedly be days that you’re running late and the kids just cannot seem to get on track, or you have to reprimand them more times than not and it is draining. There will be days where someone cuts you off on the highway or takes your parking spot, and if you’re like me, you may use some choice words you’ll have to then apologize to your kids for. There will be those days that just feel forever long where you feel utterly depleted. It’s on these days in particular that it is especially  important to remember that you can still make that choice to flex that gratitude muscle. It may feel forced. It may feel like an added chore you do as you cry in your room counting your child’s breaths/minute, but I can honestly say that as an active practice, it DOES make a difference. So flex it. Make the time. Just like we exercise our bodies and minds for ultimate health and wellness, putting gratitude into an active practice in our daily lives can increase our overall well-being. 

Posted on in Marriage/Relationships, Parenting

ALL JuMbLeD UP

After a phenomenal/exhausting/core memory building trip to Disney with family, coming back to one of the worst week’s we’ve had in a while, was beyond difficult. It is not that anything specific went wrong, but more so that despite all my best efforts to jump back into our routine and not miss a beat, the kids and I just could not find our groove. Every morning felt chaotic, even though we have our morning schedule down; in fact, just about every day, we bordered on missing my oldest kid’s doors being open, and a handful of the mornings including me near screaming and racing out the car, a ball of stress. This then obviously resulted in a quick cool-down as we walked up to the school doors, at that point, me now frazzled that our stressful morning would impact his day and behavior in school. I wish I could say this was isolated to just the morning routine, but our afternoons were just about the same. My youngest fought me on naps daily, finally falling asleep moments before I needed to leave to get my son, and it just set the afternoon up for disaster. Add in the weather change from being in constant sunshine and mild-warm weather to a week of rain and no after-school playground time, and we were just struggle city. 

I spent most of the week feeling utterly depleted. People had actually warned me that after a week of Disney, I myself would need a vacation, but I didn’t really understand it. For me, it really struck me in the realization that it wasn’t so much the physical catching up on laundry, etc. (we were the crazy ones who only packed carry-ons and did laundry on our trip so we didn’t have any coming home), or even getting back into packing lunches and school work, but more the groove of coming back to not being surrounded by family and extra eyes and hands each day. In fact, for me, while the vacation itself may have not been one of relaxation, mentally, for me, it was a huge break having my husband around for eight entire days, as well as a set of grandparents, multiple aunts and uncles, and cousins to help occupy the kids. The fact that I knew I could let my guard down a little bit and let others in to help with the kids (and that the kids thoroughly enjoyed their time with family) provided a much needed vacation I had not realized I needed. Starting each morning and ending each day with my husband in the same place as the rest of us truly allowed me to rest in a sense, and the jump back into my normal day-to-day, as much as I am a pro at it and love the life I have, really did trip me up. I honestly started to feel like a failure thatI just couldn’t seem to get us back on track the way I envisioned, and the kids were struggling in their own ways. Naturally, this just made things worse as I tried to work the kids through without figuring out where I was at, leading to way more than ever necessary arguments and raised voices on my part. If you’ve ever read “The Color Monster,” with your kid(s) by Anna Llenas (which if you have not, I highly recommend it), I felt just like the color monster– completely mixed up.

Finally, it struck me. You see, for me, prayer, and truly leaning into God is a major priority for me. While I was still praying as I always do, I was letting myself become so consumed with outside worries, it was almost making me ill. While it took me a full week of my own stubbornness to recognize this, the moment I did, I felt like a weight was lifted. I could see exactly why I was struggling and not only walk through my own mess, but more easily help navigate my kids’ messes. This is your reminder that your self-care matters. Your beliefs that sustain you, matter. This may look different for each of us, but when you feel totally off, taking that added time to sort through and ground yourself makes all the difference. Your “to-do lists” will always be there; there will always be more laundry to do or something else to dust, (and honestly, it’s a gift in my eyes because it signifies we are alive), so take the fifteen minutes in the tub, or the 20 minutes of meditation, or the 10 minutes of prayer – whatever it looks like for you, USE it. Use that small window to ground yourself because even with the best plans and most organized routines, if you are all jumbled up, none of it will run smoothly.

Posted on in Marriage/Relationships, Parenting

When We’re Running on Empty

How do we keep it together when we feel so utterly exhausted?

Real talk. Lately it has felt like I am trying to balance so much, that one tiny thing could tip the entire scale and force it all to come crashing down. I am not one who does well with “failure,” so it is times like these that I struggle with drowning out the bitterness and/or resentment that can creep in when I feel like everyone else has it together and I just can’t seem to get my dang footing in place. I know I am not alone in this, and we have those days where it just feels like the day turns into a week and you just cannot shake the negative energy. Even my prayers just felt a little half-assed because I knew how distracted I was by the “things” I felt I needed to be doing and simply adjusting to new schedules with my kids and managing that with my husband’s schedule while trying to find a moment of “self-care” for myself, too. I set my youngest up with some play-dough and some music, and decided to listen to a few-week old podcast from a friend/mentor I did an 8-month Bible Study/healing journey with, Toni Collier.

This particular episode had April Daniels as a guest, and the two spoke about life after loss (if you do not know, April Daniels was married to songwriter/producer LaShawn Daniels, who passed tragically in a car crash in 2019). The entire podcast centered around the way that life truly can give us a lot of reasons to be angry sometimes, but we only need ONE reason to be grateful. When asked what advice she’d give herself during her darkest moments, April responded to, “Keep a log of your history with God.” She explained how she wrote it down, those little moments, big moments, everything in between that reminded her of God’s goodness and how He has shown up for her time and time again. She did this so that on the dark days, she had something to look back to to combat that feeling of despair and the falsities that come into our heads that we are alone. As I listened, and naturally teared up because I am definitely one who finds crying therapeutic, I got my phone out and started making notes of all the moments I knew I felt His presence. Similar to a gratitude journal, which I have done as well and found valuable, but I found this more freeing in the sense that I did not need a prompt; I simply could take any moment that made me smile or made me feel brave or reminded me that I am not alone, and log it. Those little moments that feel like someone is looking down on you, whether you believe in God, or the universe, or whatever it may be, in those moments where you felt that little “wink” of goodness, write it down. Speak it out loud – voice note it, whatever it is. Save it for the harder days. Save it for those days that you feel like the world is closing in on you and you feel like that bitterness is going to get ya– maybe your kids just aren’t hearing you the way you want them to, maybe it just feels like your partner and you cannot get on the same page; whatever it might be, you can look back and say, “Hey, I know that He showed up for me then, so He will show up for me now.” It truly has helped keep me in perspective, because, yes, there will be many times that life just feels so out of our control and like you are being pulled in different directions, but to be able to run through the way the chaos has worked to your benefit is so comforting. It may not change the morning disaster in that no matter how many times I seem to remind my children, my youngest insists on waiting to put her socks on until we are walking out the door, BUT it sure can bring you down from completely losing it day in and day out as you get it under control.

Posted on in Marriage/Relationships, Parenting

An Unfiltered Glimpse

While we’re all guilty of sharing our highlight reel on social media, it’s equally important to let people see the unedited version of who you are.

Becoming a wife and mama are perhaps the two most beautiful roles I have ever been given. This does not, however, mean that these roles come without their challenges. This journey of motherhood, in particular, changes you; it changes how you approach your life and all the relationships within it. With this, we have a choice. Do we choose to display only what is beautiful, or, give people an accurate look into our lives and grow in genuine community with other men and women who may be very much facing similar situations? For me, I have always preferred the latter, but even more so as a parent, and a wife, who has had the gift of sitting in some of the deepest valleys and meeting incredible people who helped me climb atop the mountains. It would be a disservice then, to not continue to walk in honesty and raw vulnerability so that others know they too are not alone.

Why share an often unedited glimpse into the trials and tribulations I face as a wife and mother?

  • So many times, mom friends and I discussed how challenging navigating motherhood can be. While it is beautiful, it can also be downright isolating at times. We are not meant to do life alone — while we choose partners to do life with, when we become parents, these roles change, and in that, it requires adjusting how relationships and growing with them. For me, I have found that being open with other parents is freeing.
  • In a world obsessed with social media, it is especially easy to be hard on yourself as a parent. So often, we see the seemingly perfect lives of others and begin to doubt our own abilities, sometimes making us question who we are. While I am all for continued growth, this has to be done on your terms, not because you feel a need to keep up with another person.

I am someone who has always believed in the power of truth. While I do not speak for every parent and spouse, I take into account so many conversations with friends in their rawest moments. I have found that it is in these moments that we learn the most, grow the most, and foster our strongest relationships. A little humor also never hurts.

I want to add that I am not an expert parent and/or partner by any means. Instead, I share what I’ve learned or what has been shared with me simply so help lift that veil of the “perfect” parent and spouse, maybe helping us better ourselves along the way. This journey is filled with continuous twists and turns, a lot of temper tantrums and slaying of dragons, and a whole lot of love. Follow along for:

  • Countless parenting wins and parenting fails. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, but we always keep it real.
  • Marriage after children. Marriage is hard. Adding tiny humans into the mix along with outside responsibilities can make it easy to put your love life on the back burner. Perfect marriages do not exist, but real ones do.
  • Budget friendly ideas for occupying your little humans, date nights, birthday parties, etc. Finances definitely change after kids, but we can still provide our families with amazing experiences.

I will never be the perfect parent, the perfect friend, the perfect family member, nor the perfect partner, but I have found in sharing that with others, it turns out, none of us really are. We often spend so much time judging other people or comparing ourselves, especially our marriages and parenting choices, that we forget that most likely, other people are doing the same. The perfect life is not one I will ever achieve, nor would I want to. The filters are beautiful, but the raw, unedited images are my favorite.