Category: Friendship

Posted on in Friendship, Parenting

Changing Seasons

Seasons. We experience them at varying frequencies as parents. We have to adapt and modify our approaches. This season for me, has been one where I have had to take a backseat while I navigate motherhood and figuring out where else I am called to serve. I have faced uncertainty in sharing my voice, trying to determine and ensure I am doing so for a greater purpose. In more recent times, I have had some truly soul bearing conversations lately, particularly with other mamas with the same consensus… we are figuring it out, and we are exhausted. First, I have to acknowledge what a privilege it is to have community that moms/parents are more openly sharing their trials and tribulations vs. only the highlight reels. If you’re a parent that may not have a physical “village,” this emotional support is even more critical. Second, even with this more open and raw perspective, it doesn’t change the sometimes physical and emotional weight that (primary) parents are facing. This is not a dig at the parents who may be the secondary support; I am so appreciative for the role my husband has outside of our home while still coming in and giving his 100% where and when he can. Instead, it’s recognizing that for many parents whose children have left behind the baby and toddler phase, we’ve traded in our snuggly babies for larger problems that still require hands on deck. It’s become a juggling game of not just managing our homes, but managing changing and often conflicting schedules. It’s a game of children being in the in-between of wanting independence and being capable of doing more, but still needing us even in the daily, mundane tasks. My kids are completely capable kids, and yet each morning, I still find myself having to remind them of basic tasks they have to complete and physically needing to step in with others. It has become a new kind of exhaustion as I take on more tasks in my own life, transitioning from having babies/toddlers, while still managing these little people. 

I know this is a phase. I know it goes quickly. I know I will undoubtedly miss it, but it doesn’t take away from us parents feeling downright tired and a little cranky in the midst of it. If you’re in this season of transition, I see you. In fact, whatever season you’re in, you’re in good company. We are each trying to embrace the magic while we fight the anxieties and snapping at those around us. We are each fighting becoming the memes and gifs shared on social media of moms losing their sh*t. We’re not alone in that. Maybe that can provide comfort. Maybe that is where we meet one another, removing the judgment or unsolicited advice, but merely knowing there is someone out there, facing the same mountain and hoping to climb it with someone else. 

Posted on in Friendship, Marriage/Relationships, Parenting

Attitude of Gratitude

How do we find it when we don’t feel particularly grateful?

We’re in a season of gratitude. This time of year is often referred to as the best time of the year… a time where we are meant to reflect on the incredible blessings we have and attempt to share that goodness with others. It is a time for forgiveness and increased love. Sometimes, however, no matter how hard we try, it can feel like we just cannot find that feeling. You can be the most positive person in the world, and yet some days you just can’t seem to find the silver lining. 

This is where flexing our gratitude muscle comes in. I can speak from experience as we entered Thanksgiving and holiday time, that it is often my favorite time of the year. With two sick kids and a husband working nonstop, and what felt like mounting obligations pulling me in many different directions, however, I felt the joyous feeling I often carry, fading away. In fact, leading into Thanksgiving, it felt like a genuine chore to remind myself of how fortunate I am; I actively recounted my blessings each day and tried to remind myself of the good even though I felt like my world was pure chaos. I felt overtired, overstimulated and caffeinated in an attempt to combat that, over-committed to too many things trying to create community and positive members, instead leaving me feeling more depleted and alone than ever. But… that conscious effort to “flex my gratitude muscle” continued to remind me to keep going. 

I am not saying times will not be difficult. I am not saying we don’t all have days where it is easier to wallow in our own self-pity. I am not saying we aren’t entitled to freak out moments we then are ashamed of. I am saying, however, that in those times, I think that actively flexing our gratitude is a practice I find most helpful. In our house, we did this for the month of November through a “gratitude Turkey.” My oldest drew us a turkey, and each day, we took time in the morning to write out something we were thankful for that day, and then stick it to the turkey as its feathers. Each morning, I watched my kids think about something us they felt grateful for that day… some mornings it was the earth, our house, a cozy bed, various family members; other days were more materialistic items like a specific toy or markers. Each day, however, setting this time and watching them dig deep forced me to take a moment and do the same. It is actually a practice I used to do written out each day, but as the recent months got busier, I started to neglect. I didn’t realize the significance it had until I felt the chaos of the last month try to rob me of my gratitude and joy. 

It’s something to remember as we continue into this holiday season. There will undoubtedly be days that you’re running late and the kids just cannot seem to get on track, or you have to reprimand them more times than not and it is draining. There will be days where someone cuts you off on the highway or takes your parking spot, and if you’re like me, you may use some choice words you’ll have to then apologize to your kids for. There will be those days that just feel forever long where you feel utterly depleted. It’s on these days in particular that it is especially  important to remember that you can still make that choice to flex that gratitude muscle. It may feel forced. It may feel like an added chore you do as you cry in your room counting your child’s breaths/minute, but I can honestly say that as an active practice, it DOES make a difference. So flex it. Make the time. Just like we exercise our bodies and minds for ultimate health and wellness, putting gratitude into an active practice in our daily lives can increase our overall well-being. 

Posted on in Friendship, Parenting

Friendships and the New Parent(s).

It came up recently in a heart to heart with a dear friend (and new mama), just how hard it  can be to relate to your parent friends until you actually become one.

“You don’t realize any of this until you go through it. Partner and I were like, ‘we’ve been so shitty to our friends who have kids without even knowing it.’ You just don’t know what it entails.”

She’s right. Let’s be clear—this does not make you a crummy friend for not being able to grasp it. I smiled when she said this to me, thinking back to husband’s and my “Ah ha!” moment of how we just couldn’t fully support our friends who had children before us in the full way they needed because we didn’t understand it ourselves. When I had my first baby, the only other people in my life who I am close to who had children were my older sister, and one of my close friends. We recalled trying to “be there,” especially for my close friend (to whom we are closer in age) by visiting, checking in, buying cute little outfits, etc., but only when we became parents did we truly understand how much more was involved in being able to truly support them in their new roles as parents. I’m sure my friend appreciated our efforts, but there is no way we were offering the full support that she and her husband needed.

I thought about my friend with whom this conversation started. This initially had come up because we had set a day for me to visit and meet her new baby (sans my own child, as I myself didn’t have little ones around my baby in the first month). The day of, she reached out to me telling me that she honestly wasn’t up for a visitor; she was feeling a bit overwhelmed having had so much family around prior, and just needed a breather. This is when she shared with me her realization of not having been able to be the friend her other friends needed when they became parents. The reality is, had I not been a mom myself, I don’t think she would’ve shared with me her true feelings and she may have either just disappeared that day or let me come and I, (unknowingly) would have added to her anxious feelings. Friends, if a new mama isn’t up for a visitor, it is nothing personal against you, she simply has so much going on that sometimes the thought of wanting to impress a friend or be her old self is just far too daunting.

Unfortunately, I think this is often what happens in the beginning when we, as new parents, try so hard to hold to our former friendships (with those who aren’t parents themselves). We desperately want to believe we won’t change that we sometimes compromise ourselves too much trying to act as if everything is “normal” to how it used to be, just with this new, adorable, little addition. Let me be straight – it is NOTHING like how it used to be. Besides the obvious of adjusting to less sleep, feeding schedules, nursing or formula, new parents are also adjusting to this completely new array of feelings and emotions they never before knew. Even the calmest of parents are bound to feel the sheer panic sometimes of loving this tiny person so deeply that you will do everything and anything in your power to keep him/her healthy, happy, safe, etc. (I wish I could say this feeling goes away, but as far as I can see my own parents still have these feelings about my sisters and I and we are fully capable adults, some responsible for our own tiny humans). As my friend and I continued our conversation, it became all the more clear to me just how many people must come to the same realizations when they become parents. It is probably why friendships can sometimes suffer when one is a parent and the other isn’t; even though this doesn’t have to be the case.

I think it is important to note that all parties need to be realistic to the fact that there are new dynamics that will affect the way your friendships run. Your parent friends obviously aren’t going to be able to go out at the drop of a hat without their child, nor will many want to in the beginning. This was something we found particularly challenging as we still received invitations, but if it was an event our child couldn’t attend, we often didn’t want to go. The hard part was, however, that we still wanted to have the option, which quickly faded as we dove deeper into our new “norm.” Second, as the one without a family, there is this unfair expectation for you to try more. It is not fair, trust me, I get it, but as new parents we are so wrapped up in creating a new routine that it is really easy for us to neglect friendships. This is not okay in the least, but it is one of those things that I like to believe we all find a way to make up to one another when the time comes. Even though my friend wasn’t up for a visitor that day, I did not all of a sudden back off and wait for her to reach out to me. Instead, I offered her an ear when she needed, and set for myself (because I am guilty otherwise of letting things slip my mind) to check back in a few days, not to visit, but just to let her know that I was thinking of her (I usually include in those texts not to respond, because I remember in some of those early moments feeling so guilty if I didn’t get back to a friend who had reached out, even though it really was okay). This is so crucial as the friend to a new mama (and dads, too) for them to know that you are still there. Practice patience – they may seem distant or distracted, because they are, but the last thing new parents want is to lose the people who have mattered so much to them prior (trust me on this, as I know for me, my friends, most of which do not have children yet, are the people I hope my children looks up to as they grow).

This is not to say that new parents have a free pass to not be decent humans to their non-parent friends, or to anyone in general. New parents, too, like my friend, have to communicate. Your friends, especially those without children, are not mind readers, and you can’t expect them to know what you need from them. New parents have to be willing and able to say to a friend that they just need some space or are feeling overwhelmed (this is often where the family and/or mama friends come in to the rescue) but will set aside the time to get together (whether this is a home visit, a manicure, a quick coffee date when baby is sleeping, or even just a phone call) to maintain the friendship. Keep in mind, the get togethers may be abrupt in the beginning and may very well be you sitting at their house watching TV or talking while they pump (MAJOR SHOUTOUT TO MY GIRLS FOR DOING THIS WITH ME), but this time matters. I know for me, as time went on, having my non-mom friends was a saving grace to remind me of the person I was outside of being a mama and food source.

It comes down to communication. In the beginning, it really is a lot on the other friends to step up and kind of allow for the new parents to give less to the friendships, but the new parents definitely need to share where they are at and what they need from those friends. It is a give and take, as in all relationships, and even if one friend is a parent and the other isn’t, the friendships can still flourish beautifully. I definitely have closer relationships in the day-to-day to my mom friends, but it does not at all take away from the value and love I have for my friends who are not parents.

There is such a learning process as a parent in how we relate to people. It is like starting all over in a sense because these roles as mom and dad are brand new. In my experience, this cycle repeats itself again when parents have a second or third or fourth child etc. manifesting with different challenges to overcome, but with the advantage of having a little bit of insight into what you’re getting yourself into. I think back to my conversation with my friend and how she felt her and her husband had been “shitty” to all of us who were parents before them and I think we all have felt that. There is such beauty in this process and for me is why I firmly believe that I am a far better person as a parent and much closer to the person God has called me to be.

To all the new mamas getting the hang of this – no mom before you holds it against you. To the friends who are putting in the overtime as their new mom friend adjusts – we salute you, and we promise to return the favor one day (whether you become a parent or not).